Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

no their not

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.