Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

i like to flex on them by shrugging

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin