Check out the legs on this baby
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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.