Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Good morning ☺️

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.