Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

When libraries troll their patrons.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.