Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.