My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.