Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Yes, but it was never about money

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

wait a minute….

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Lmao

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.