Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
the Monday after daylight savings
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it