Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

My son’s high school is holding golf tryouts today. We currently have 40mph winds. I’m bringing popcorn because this is going to be awesome.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.