Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?