Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke