Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
i baked you a cake
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
me adding lol on a serious message
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Succinctly put.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.