Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.