Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Stop making fast and furious movies.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
rebranding
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice