Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river