Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
o shit
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once