Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
thank god
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Single and childfree like Jesus