Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?