Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!