Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
Camping tip: No.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway