Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be vigilant

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!