September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’m giving up for Lent.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi