September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.