September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”