Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Seals are just dog mermaids.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.