Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

I’ve been learning to cook.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get