Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
❤️❤️❤️
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.