[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere