Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

weddings should have a worst man