[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”