Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

my favorite gender

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die