Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.