Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.