Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

😂😂

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

this is the best interaction on twitter

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.