Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy