Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.