Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.