SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.