SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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what’s the point then??
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE