Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Woke up against my better judgement again

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

This kinda thing happens to me often

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.