Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.