sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.