Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Velcrow

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.