serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
How did we not see this back then?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject