serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea