serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was