Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you