Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff