SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!