Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Noah was an idiot.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.