serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*