Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.