Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I’ve had worse

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

My wedding will be open casket.

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT