Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Monday

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now