Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”