Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.