serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.