Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Good morning ☺️
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Whoa 😂
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.