Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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me opening up to someone
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*