Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I really had high hopes for this year though
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow