Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
The Weeknd is back
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.