[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
not to brag, but mine was free
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
😭😭😭
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
🖤✌🏽
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My friend is an excellent librarian.
