Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.