Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls