Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
