Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.