Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
dark side of the loom
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man