Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Got McDonald鈥檚 today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
her: i only eat like once a day it鈥檚 called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Our power went out and it鈥檚 utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that鈥檚 really rude.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don鈥檛 like my house?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?馃槀
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my r茅sum茅.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?