Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.