Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
house sitting!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.