Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS