Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

good let them take over I have had enough

You were the one.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”