Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

I cannot call her anything else now

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

Previously On Persistence 😎

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah