Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.